restoring the beauty lost

For a very long time I was incapable of seeing the beauty of living abroad. I was unable to see the merits of life outside of what I had known for so long. I only saw the inconveniences and difficulties in trying to shoe horn my previous lifestyle into this new one. I felt like I was stripped off everything that gave me purpose, identity, and power and I felt like a victim of my circumstance; a circumstance of my own choosing. I played the blame game and I became a profession guilt tripper, finger pointer, and constant disappointed being. My face that was once filled with bright eyes and youthful excitement were dulled with depression and lined with frown lines.

It was a long two years.

But in the transition out of hopelessness and into a place of hope again, I am getting the comfort of knowing that no experience is wasted. But, rather each trauma and tragedy overcame is a building block of wisdom, character development and maturation. I won’t ever be the happy go lucky young girl from the block again, but I know that I will be now in a position to help those bright eyed and bushy tailed younger people pick themselves up after hard falls since I have been there, done that. It hasn’t been an easy journey by no small means, but I have definitely learned a lifetimes worth of lessons in the past few years that couldn’t be bought at any other cost.

So, I look forward to the transitions and adventure ahead. I am okay with planning year to year instead of 5-10 year plans. I now feel more confident in the fact that God has a divine plan playing out and he will take all our moves and decisions to make things come to pass since He is more invested into our walking out destiny that even we are.

 

 

like being stuck inside a looking glass

From https://atimesnewromantic.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/alice-surreal.jpg

The title sequel to Alice’s Adventures in Wonder land always got me thinking of what that would be like – going through the looking glass. For me, in this current season of sitting, waiting, and wishing I am finding myself feeling in increasing measure that I am merely watching stuck inside a looking glass peering over the shoulders of my family and friends as their lives continue rolling onward and upwards as I stagnate deprived of all momentum.

It is a difficult predicament to realize that my current existential crisis is not a matter of survival or existence but rather of purpose and reason. What a “First World Problem”. But, what a problem indeed. For me, the struggle has taken on a new dynamic and I am immediately embarrassed at the prospect of musing on the search for my purpose in being an expat here and now, while my mother is struggling to fight for her physical life here and now.

And so I stay in stasis and wait until someone, something will catalyze something to life. What is the spark that will make me come alive when I feel like so much around me is fading. Meaning and purpose, fading…

I, a prisoner of hope. I, a prisoner stuck in the looking glass. I, a prisoner of responsibility: daughter, wife, friend. I am.

christmas time in the city

I’ve always spent Christmas harried with last minute shopping and anxiety over whether or not I have enough wrapping paper at home. I recall one time having an argument with my sister because I used her “premium” wrapping paper she bought at Costco wholesalers. (It was to wrap the family’s Christmas gift.It was truly an annoying argument)

I think that the way Christmas is spent, if you celebrate it, varies in large part by the culture and tradition surrounding it. For me and my family, obviously it entailed last minute shopping and fighting over petty details… but that’s family..

Culturally speaking, Christmas has become incredibly commercialized to the extent that the Christmas shopping season has extended nearly beyond the Thanksgiving holiday over a month before the first snowflake ever hits the ground. In America, stopping by a mall or store you are blasted with advertisements for sales and last minute deals and extended opening hours for those people you forgot. I was always racking my brain for people I might have forgotten, coworkers, bosses, or those randoms who surprise you with an excessive guilt trip because they bought you a chocolate filled mug and you didn’t even consider them on your gift giving radar…..  (Life Pro Tip: Always prepare generic extra gift for those guilt trip folks. If all else fails and you don’t need to give it away, you get a nice generic gift for yourself)

However, once you find yourself extricated from Christmas consumerism in a completely different culture, its amazing how different Christmas feels. I nearly forgot the gift giving aspect as I am separated from the people who would have been priorities on my gift list. In Korea, Christmas is actually focused more for couples and those who are dating as an excuse to buy presents, treats, and a Christmas cake. Really. Its a “thing” here. Rather than being with family usually people spend it with significant others or with friends. As such, the consumerist mentality of buy, buy,buy you better buy or someone will be disappointed is considerably muted. I actually haven’t even bought my significant other a Christmas gift and its our first one together. Haha. I blame it on the culture change.

In any case, it is indeed a refreshing change of pace to be able to explore Christmas without the burden of commercialism settling like a dull cloud over my head. I can kind of focus on the how and the why of the holiday now. Sitting in my own little house, spending time with my family here in this foreign land, and trying to hold to the vestiges of the spirit behind the Savior of mankind coming in the form of a helpless child… Oh what a Christmas to come indeed.

crossfit, mcdonalds, and my gym in korea

Creative Commons / Flickr: vividlime

There’s a stigma associated with being someone who used to do Crossfit. They must be some Paleo, health nut that is on the brink of getting rhabdo. Yeah, not quite. For me, I suffered greatly during Crossfit and while I enjoyed it, one of the only reasons bringing me back was to defeat this cocksure, punk chick that became my arch nemesis. I just wanted to beat her in everything: time, weight, reps and that is probably the only reason I got stronger and kept on with Crossfit. Getting healthy and stronger were side benefits to reveling in her defeat.

After moving to Korea, I realized that Crossfit was really expensive and there were no conveniently located boxes or “XF gyms” nearby. Actually, coming to Korea, rather than fitness, I acquired a new found appreciation and dare I say, love and adoration for McDonald’s McSpicy Shanghai Fried Chicken Burger and Korean Fried Chicken of every variety. Which is why I assume my Mister was so determined to find us and enroll us into a gym with great urgency…

During our initial search we found that, at least in our area, due to the paucity of space, options, and demand, the tiniest, dingiest, and most claustrophobia inducing gyms would charge upwards of $150- $200 a month (per person) which did not include towel service, gym uniforms, or a pool. Our best option was a multi-branch gym called Spoany which advertised a 3 month welcome package for $90. It was the best deal and it was the closest gym to our home so after further negotiation to sweeten the deal we signed.

My experience in the Korean gym system has been a bewilderingly steep learning curve. I had already been familiar with the idea of communal nudity required in the public saunas known as “jim jil bbangs.” However, I was not aware that the communal nudity extended to the gym’s partition free communal showers. That was new.

What was also new was the fact that since space is maximized in the work out area, the dressing rooms suffered an uncomfortable lack of personal space. In this sense, my first welcome to the gym was an extreme violation of personal space when I in my birthday suit made contact with another lady in her birthday suit booty to booty. Good lord was that alarming and uncomfortable.

In any case, like my previous experience with Crossfit, I’m finding that my main draw to the gym has, yet again, been fostered out of my desire to crush my enemies. This time its a personal trainer I have christened Chicken Legs ( because the bro seriously does not do Leg days). Anyways, with my deep longing to consume McSpicy Shanghai’s and my burning desire to crush Chicken Legs, I’m thankful that I have something to motivate me to work out. Being healthy is one of those things sometimes we take for granted until its gone. Despite my ulterior motives to work out, I am glad that I even have the ability and opportunity to do so.

uncharted waters

Sometimes you find yourself in the midst of uncharted waters where you really don’t know what to do. For most of the past year I’ve been on this tugboat of life hoping a wave would send me right on my path.

For me the year has been quite the journey for me. I’m finding myself deep in uncharted waters. It has been increasingly difficult for me to find people with remotely similar circumstances or experiences that could even commiserate with any of the changes or internal conflicts that I was going through. Sinking deeper and deeper into a languid ennui for life and bone deep depression, I felt that I lost everything to gain nothing. For me, no new adventure could ever replace what I had felt was so comfortable, safe, and secure as my previous way of living stateside. Although I would love to complete this entry with some cure all of how I am completely normal and found my calling or my purpose for jumping across several ponds to live in the Hermit kingdom, I am still walking out the reality that my life will never be the same and I am living, breathing, and holding onto the truth that stepping out in faith will never put me to shame.

I feel like in times like these how you react to the unknown really reveals your character and defines who you are. While it is scary to be in the unknown and to chart a path into the unknown, even in spite of the unknown, there are always some constants that anchor your soul during these times. Whether it is the love of family or the support of friends or the steady foundation of your faith, having these anchors to hold you down really keeps you from drifting too far off your path.

I gave up my career for love

They say that it is almost intuitive to derive a large portion of your identity from your career. It is hard to see why not. You spend nearly one half of your waking hours in your place of work, with coworkers, or commuting. When you introduce yourself, after your name its almost a given that you provide your profession.

When people are really lucky, they are blessed to say things like they love their work or that passion drives them or something along the lines of they are working their dream job. I was one of those obnoxiously fortunate people in that I had found my dream job. After four years of working in soul sucking drudgery, I finally finished my night school program to earn my Masters. It was my golden ticket out and as serendipity would have it, I was so blessed to find an opportunity tailor made for my strengths and experience just as hope was running out. In a career field that nearly guaranteed growth, development, and great opportunity for not just travel, but a robust career of learning. In my profession, I was in all aspects a professional learner, interviewer, and (once our reports were distributed and during our time with Congressional staffers) an educator explaining our findings and the methodology of our audit. I loved it and after 4 years of working a dry and passionless job, I was delighted and eager to learn, excel and build my forever home and career in this agency.

Oh, but fortune played me a tough set of cards. I ended up falling in love with a boy on the other side of the world, who as luck would have it, was also in love with me. Despite the 7000 mile and 13 hour time difference, our romance progressed to the point where we got engaged and started the hard process of determining what would happen post marriage.

This is where it kind of got hard…and still remains hard…

We determined that given the circumstances, it would be “easier” for me to leave America and live overseas while the Mister finished his education and continued his endeavors to make inroads in the Entertainment industry. The assumption was that in terms of picking up a new career, it would be “easier” for me to get a new one given my work experience and educational background. So, like any accommodating and well meaning bride, I relinquished my place and got on a one way flight to my future…

However, the picking up a new career has not been what we had thought it would be and the moving on bit has also taken longer than I had anticipated. Really, how does one simply recalibrate their entire life around temporary ( or extended) unemployment, in addition to taking on a new identity, new community, and new surroundings. The reality of the biblical adage “In Christ, you are therefore a new creation, the old is gone, behold the new has come” gained a whole new perspective for me. In marriage you are new creation, the old you is gone and, whether you are ready or not, you are a new creation as one single unit.

For a while, I tried to suppress the grief and real mourning of letting go of something so beloved as a dream job come true.. It seemed so petty to mourn a job in light of marriage, in light of an exciting adventure before me.. But, in all honesty, I think that it is right to mourn something that gave you delight, something you took pride in, and claimed as part of your identity.

So, sometimes, I still mourn. As bright eyed, twenty something with ambition to burn, being relegated into a season of rest, reflection, and being still, I am itching to find my place here in this new season of my life. As the leaves change and fall, hopefully I will change and my walls will fall so I can grow deeper, mature deeper, and love deeper.

Thanksgiving

This is the week of the American Holiday Thanksgiving. For the first time in my 27 years of life, I’ll be celebrating Thanksgiving away from my nuclear and extended family. Not only will I be away from home, I will be in another country. For many expats or individuals living away from home, this is probably a bygone conclusion of sentimentality, but for me it marks a milestone.

For some, the act of stepping out from beneath the protective wings of parents manifests itself as moving on or moving out without their blessing or even pursuing careers or vocations with or without parental support. For me, stepping out from parental covering involved marriage and an international move.

Many people fantasize about the idea of leaving everything behind and starting again- with a fresh slate, where no one knows your name. It provides you an opportunity to recreate your persona and become a new and improved “better” you. But many people also do not fully realize or act upon these fantasies and trade day dreams for a life of stability, comfort, and routine. People also don’t realize that without dealing with the emotional baggage they may be dragging around, there is no way to reinvent something with no intrinsic ability to be overwritten. You can’t overwrite a scar. You can try, but the texture will be different. You can’t overwrite an open, festering wound. You can try, but it will look different. You need to address the hurts and heal rightly so that greater things can come.

This process of reinvention, independence, and growth is something I’m sure no one fully gets used to. Who gets used to change? By its very definition, change is something that constantly transforms or becomes different. As I am going through this transformation, becoming a better me, I am just thankful for the people by my side and the freedom to be fully and unapologetically myself.